If Nineteen People Died, I Would Be The Secretary of Agriculture

(XX, Drawn by Flora Smith)

A terrace bar in Manhattan, Kansas. Noisy, but the background conversations are sober and quiet enough to not be distracting. College students in suits crowd the business-casual-clad representatives for corporate bodies, governmental bodies, and human bodies. DAN and SUZANNE are leaning over the balcony. The man, DAN, is wearing a tight fitting polo with an inexpensive, plastic name tag magnetically pinned onto it, all tucked into a lazy pair of jeans. SUZANNE is wearing a sport coat over her dress, and has a cheap, sticker name tag on her lapel. Each holds a drink in their left hand. 

DAN HUNTER:

“If nineteen people died, I would be the Secretary of Agriculture.”

SUZANNE LIU:

“Is that a line?”

DAN HUNTER:

“It’s a line, yeah.”

SUZANNE LIU:

“Is it true?”

DAN HUNTER:

“It also happens to be true, yeah.”

SUZANNE LIU:

“At what point, down that chain of eighteen people, would you start rooting for their deaths, you think?”

(DAN shifts to his right, revealing a wedding ring on his right hand.)

DAN HUNTER:

“It’d take at least ten…”

SUZANNE LIU:

“Nineteen’s a lot of people.”

DAN HUNTER:

“…but after ten, I think I’d really start pulling for it. (DAN takes a drink.) Y’know, making phone calls, asking the brass where I should be in ‘this time of crisis,’ and breaking out the bottle of port. Then, maybe, I’d start narrowing my eyes at number eighteen.”

SUZANNE LIU:

“Number eighteen?”

DAN HUNTER:

“My wife.”

SUZANNE LIU:

“Aw, the part you weren’t supposed to say.

(SUZANNE lazily points to the ring on his finger)

“Not like you were really hiding it, either.”

(DAN takes a step toward SUZANNE)

DAN HUNTER:

“I think—and it’s really not fair of me to say—that it’d be a lot more fun to stop talking about my wife.”

(SUZANNE takes a step toward DAN)

SUZANNE LIU:

“Number eighteen, you mean?”

DAN HUNTER:

“Yes, I think it’d be much better if we stopped speaking about number eighteen, and instead—”

(DAN’s phone begins to vibrate. He hurriedly checks the contact name, then places it to his ear, turning away from SUZANNE)

DAN HUNTER:

“Yeah? (DAN takes a drink, and nods to some unseen exposition.) Yeah? (DAN takes another drink, and furrows his brows.) Okay, let me know what I can do for you all in this crisis. I’m so sorry for your loss.”

(DAN brings the phone down, takes a beat, then presses the red circle on his screen, ending the call. He looks up to SUZANNE with a kicked-dog expression.)

SUZANNE LIU:

“Jesus Christ. Ten people?”

DAN HUNTER:”Nah. (DAN looks down into the amber liquid.) Just one.”