Your Rich Best Friend

(Look Where You’re At by Flora Smith)

Everyone is so scared to say the r-word these days, so I’ll just get to the point. We’re in a recession. Or approaching a recession at rapid velocity. Either way, it’s time to start thinking about the r-word girlie! First off, let’s dispel some of those fears you have. On average, every adult can expect to live through 5-7 economic recessions. The boom-bust cycle is a natural part of our system, so it’s really nothing to worry about! If you’re twenty two, looking down the barrel of the job market, remember, you’re NOT alone. This is basically Girls.

With that out of the way, let’s get to categorizing and apostatizing the different reactions you’re gonna see to the r-word. Mind you there are only two kinds of people, rich and poor.

Poor people hear the r-word and they scramble. Poor people cry, lose their jobs, (guess they should’ve seen my columns advice on the WARN¹ act!) then lose their apartments to a price increase. Poor people use the r-word as an excuse for their own mental and material impoverishment!

Rich people hear the r-word and put in the work to get richer. Us rich people know a recession isn’t doomsday, it’s an opportunity! A recession is the time to invest. I personally recommend a wide spread stock portfolio with Goldman Sachs, a small house, or a Target Date Retirement Fund!

Of course bestie, you should only follow this advice if you can! If you don’t have the foresight to abandon that daily cup of coffee, replace all grocery budget with my recommended diet² for those making under six figures! Or maybe, cut those Starbucks visits, and start going to the Capital One Cafe instead!

The best policy is honesty. If, after assembling your budget according to my spreadsheet template, (available after a five dollar subscription to my Patreon—that’s less than a cup of coffee girly!) you still think it isn’t feasible for you to cut costs, then that’s okay! If you are satisfied being poor—being literally worthless, that is your choice! But before you say you can’t invest now, or that you lost your job without any notice, or that your father defaulted on his mortgage and you had to take him into your home, remember that if you had just followed my advice, and you didn’t make any excuses, you’d be rich.

Like being thin, being rich is about commitment! It’s about hard work and the sweat on your brow. It’s about cultivating Baculus and Bahadur, and avoiding Bambosh! It’s about drinking only protein shakes and olive oil. It’s about never having a single unpredictable medical event in your entire young adult life. And while I never did any of these things to get rich, I did use my time, Ivy League education, and podcast ad-reads to contribute to your wealth! Call it my Noblesse Oblige. Aren’t you glad you have a rich best friend?

1. For a little catch-up from Your Rich Best Friend, the WARN act is a piece of legislation that sometimes forces companies to notify the federal government 60 days in advance of layoffs! Look up “WARN act (State Name)”, access the provided database, and check it every morning for the rest of your life so you’ll know exactly when to start job hunting! For more job hunting advice, check out my “So You Can’t Find A Job, Freak?” [1] blog post.
   
   [1] “Apply as often as possible. Your goal should be 100 applications a day, if possible. If not, I recommend expanding your range on LinkedIn to at least 200 miles!” ↩︎
2. On a daily basis, as a poor person, you should consume the following:
   Morning
   1 Whey protein shake (powder bought in bulk, formulated with water), 1 Nature’s Valley multivitamin, and 1 shot of olive oil
   Mid-morning Snack
   1 multivitamin
   Lunch
   1 Whey protein shake (powder bought in bulk, formulated with water), 1 Nature’s Valley multivitamin, and 2 shots of olive oil
   Dinner
   1 Nature’s Valley multivitamin, and 1 shot of olive oil, and 1 Frozen whey protein shake (powder bought in bulk, formulated with water) for dessert.
   
   While eating like this, you will be consuming approximately $2 a day, and your necessary caloric intake. You will also be in a permanent state of ketosis, keeping you thin and beautiful for the second most important form of wealth cultivation, “Silk Stocking Harvesting” [2].
   
   [2] “To harvest any silk stocking that you want, you must first be able to pick the silk stocking out of a lineup. When observing others in large events, search for their concentration three B’s: Bahadur, Baculus, and Bambosh. The silk stockings will carry much Bahadur and a large Baculus, while hiding their Bambosh: meanwhile, the poor will flaunt their Bambosh. Really, measuring Bambosh is the most essential part of the process.” ↩︎